Sample Section: Love
Sample Section: Love
Q: Is love a real thing, or is it just chemical, just something to get us through life?
A: Love is deep caring, joy in being around people you love, warm feelings. It’s complicated because we use the one word for such a variety of meanings, like “I love to eat rice,” or “I love my parents or God or my dog or swimming,” or “I’m in love.” Love is about heart warmth and feels good. Love for people usually includes respect and similar values and interests. Our hearts expand and feel bigger. We care so much about the person we love, we may put their needs above our own, as when a parent puts his or her own body in the way of danger to protect a child.
Sometimes we fall in lust, because of a strong sexual chemistry with a person, even if we don’t like him or her. Notice the difference between (1) lasting love—which we can feel for a family member or friend or pet, (2) falling in love/infatuation that includes sexual attraction, and (3) sexual attraction without love. It’s easy to confuse the intensity of the chemistry or of being uncertain and anxious about whether the other person likes you as deep caring, but it’s just sexual chemistry or anxiety. Love lasts over time, while the half-life of romantic love is often 90 days. It takes a while before who the beloved really is visible underneath our fantasies, projections and ideals. That’s why it’s wise to not hurry into becoming physically intimate or getting married.
What makes us fall in love? Scientists discovered we’re attracted to individuals who are like our parents and ourselves, but whose pheromones (smells) are least like our own. Different immune systems ensure healthy offspring. Oxytocin is the hormone of monogamy leading to bonding between mother and baby and lifelong monogamous pair bonding, as in male and female prairie voles.
When we fall in love, therapist and author John Bradshaw explains we repeat the stages of child development. In the baby stage--cupid is portrayed as a baby, we baby talk, and lovers gaze at each other like a baby at its mother. In the toddler stages, lovers engage in power struggles, express anger, and ask for what they want. It is partly hormonal and chemical. Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, explains we have three different brain systems for mating and reproduction: the sex drive, romantic love with elation and obsessive thinking, and then attachment with calm and security.
Kissing exchanges testosterone in both sexes to help trigger the sex drive. If it’s exciting and new, it’s likely to stimulate dopamine associated with romantic love. In long-term partners, it stimulates oxytocin that leads to attachment. Kissing drops cortisol stress levels. More than 90% of human societies kiss. (About two-thirds of humans tilt their heads to the right when kissing.) Chimps kiss and makeup after a fight.
Combining love and marriage is a new idea, as historically marriage was arranged by parents for the good of the family, not the couple. The majority of marriages in the world are arranged, as in India. When I was there, I talked with two brothers who conducting a search for a husband for their sister, a US educated doctor. They developed a point system to rate the candidates who came for interviews, such as points for a nice smile, or minus points for new shoes—looking too eager. Their sister had the last say on the finalists, of course. The divorce rate is very low because social pressure is against it and expects couples to stay together for a lifetime. It doesn’t mean the marriages match Western ideas of romantic love.
Q: Why do people fall out of love? Or why do people let themselves fall out of love? Why do I feel like that sometimes? Is it me or the bigger picture?
A: We start with infatuation and adrenalin-like excitement. Then endorphins kick in for a comfortable bonding. Relationships go through stages, ebbs and flows. Couples talk about the working at their relationship. The work of being in a committed relationship means hanging in through the difficult times, like illness or having a baby. The work also means regularly scheduling in time for communication and fun. We can get bored if we don’t put energy into creating shared adventures, newness, and pleasure. Supposedly, Mrs. Coolidge pointed out to Calvin how often their rooster had sex with the hens. He replied that it had to do with the variety of hens, not just one. We can create that variety with the same person if we’re creative.
Therapist/author Virginia Satir identified various ways people tend to protect themselves in communication with others. Are you a blamer (it’s the other person’s fault), placater (it’s my fault), computer (shuts down feelings), or distracter (changes the subject away from a difficult topic)? As you explore, it’s fun to share this exploration of communication styles with intimates. Include understanding differences in men’s and women’s communication styles (see Deborah Tannen’s books). My Everything You Need to Know to Succeed After College provides additional communication skills and analysis of love.
Pairing Up
Q: I keep getting my heart broken by lovers. How can I find a lasting relationship?
A: I would look at relationships as an opportunity to learn about men and about your self in relation to them, keeping in mind what Jung said about relationships and dreams being the best window into the shadow subpersonality and other parts of the unconscious.
If you don't expect Mr. Right, but rather decide to have fun and learn, then your heart won't get broken at the end of a fling. You'll think, well I graduated from this grade and now I'm going to go on to the next grade. It's sad to leave elementary/middle/high school/college but necessary to close one door to open the next one. Changing expectations goes a long way.
I would also analyze patterns in your lovers as holding up a mirror for unresolved issues in yourself. My experience is looking back on past heartbreaks, is I'm glad I'm not still with them, although I learned a lot from each one, including fun activities like backpacking and beekeeping. I also enjoyed getting to know my boyfriends’ families. Focus on enjoying life and developing your talents, not on a fantasy of Mr. Right.
Q: When I meet someone attractive, I get self-conscious and don't know what to say. How can I be more confidant?
A: Imagine you're a reporter interviewing her for a story, finding out what she likes and values, enjoys doing for fun, thinks about current issues, her background, etc. Focus on what she is saying rather than how you're performing. Let her know what you appreciate about her. Smile and make eye contact and enjoy getting to know a new friend. Don’t let shyness make you appear haughty and uninterested. Confidence is sexy, so think about your strong points. Men need to be especially careful to ask questions and not just talk about their accomplishments to try to impress women. Don’t focus on analyzing yourself and how you’re doing, but on getting to know the other person.
Q: How can I finally meet someone right for me?
A: Attracting the right relationship is an exciting way to demonstrate the power of energy work. Take care of unfinished business of all kinds, so you’re unfettered. Clean out your home, giving things you haven’t used for a year to a charitable organization. Try Feng Shui principles. Get a bagua chart and see where the relationship area is in your home and also work on your bedroom. Include the colors of love (pink and red), growing plants, and coupled items rather than single ones. Make sure you can see the door from your bed. Two bamboo flutes hung over the bed provide a symbol of peace. Sharp corners should be softened with plants or fringe. Chi can be kept moving with wind chimes, bells, plants, fountains, and mobiles. The northeast is the relationship section of a garden; pink and red flowers enhance it, and fragrant ones such as gardenias stimulate chi.
Look at the influence of the people who raised you, usually your parents. We imprint on our parents like baby ducks follow their mother. Make a family tree of the patterns in your family’s history, since we repeat the familiar. Usually two people’s patterns fit like a puzzle; for example, one expresses anger for the partner who is afraid of it. When the wounds start to surface after the haze of infatuation and sexual attraction wear off, we feel betrayed and want to leave, instead of recognizing the opportunity to work together to heal the wounds. For more explanation and exercises to understand your patterns, see Harville Hendrix’ How to Get the Love You Want.
When two people are involved, patience is required for the connection. Author Arielle Ford met her husband on a business trip when she was 44. They discovered he had stayed in her neighborhood years before but realized at that time they wouldn’t have recognized each other as soul mates. She wrote about her story and those of other couples meeting. In the forward of her book, Deepak Chopra, MD defines soul mates as people who vibrate at the same frequency and are evolving at the same rate.
Q: How will I know when I meet the right person to marry?
A: Since it's inevitable that two imperfect people will have conflicts, it's important that you and your partner be able to work through problems in a positive way so that you feel closer after negotiating a conflict. We're like pebbles in a bag that polish one another. The half-life of romantic love
is around 90 days, but wait at least a year to discuss marriage so you know that attraction is based on respect rather than a superficial attraction and projection of unconscious patterns. Dr. Harry Lodge (Columbia University Medical Center) observes that people with good marriages cuddle a lot, are affectionate, and "There's a luminescence to them--a deep, calm, subtle glow."
Be wary of instant attraction, as this can be a familiar pattern lighting up with the stranger a movie screen for your unconscious projections, or the person could be skilled at flashing sexual energy and hooking people like going sport fishing. The bottom line is you and your partner should be best friends, enjoy talking to each other, and share similar values and goals.
Q: I doubt my attractiveness to the opposite sex because I’ve been dumped in some of my past relationships. How can I change this?
A: Most of us have experienced being dumped or being the dumper. I suspect that you get clingy; even if you don’t say anything, they can feel smothered. Also, sometimes it’s a complement to you; they know you’re special but aren’t ready to get too serious. When your inner critic starts picking you apart, pretend to have a dialogue with that voice. Ask, what help are you trying to give me? Are you trying to keep me from doing the wrong thing? Explain that being self-conscious and critically observing yourself get in the way of being your attractive self. Make up a cheerleader personality to balance the critic.
Q: I’m a college student, but I haven’t had a real boyfriend yet. What’s up?
A: It looks like you’re expecting Prince Charming. He’s not coming. You’re not perfect so you can’t expect a guy to match all the items on your list. We need to go to “boy/girl school,” where we learn about relationships; loving someone brings up our unconscious fear and jealousy to brought into the light of consciousness. Think of yourself as a psychologist studying the other gender and enjoying the discovery process, rather than judging is this Mr. Right, or how you’re performing.
Q: I like a girl but I’m scared to ask her out. How can I get my courage up?
A: Suggest an activity that doesn’t have dating connotations, that’s not on a Friday or Saturday evening. Try lunch, a hike, a stroll through an art gallery or other interest you share, as you would do with a guy friend.
Q: I’d like to date a guy at work but he hasn’t asked me out. Anything I can do?
A: The workplace is replacing the neighborhood and extended family as the place where we spend the most time, so many romances begin at work. I wouldn't date someone in the same office, though, because of the awkwardness after a possible separation. It's not ethical to date someone in a supervisory relationship, but it sounds like the man you're interested in doesn't fit in either of the no-nos.
Next, how does he feel about you and how do you subtly let him know you're interested in him? Do you feel comfortable suggesting lunch to ask his advice about a work topic? It feels like he's a mental person, cautious, who doesn't leap into action. Give him time and let the process unfold gradually.
Imagine going fishing. You get your pole and bait ready, and then you relax with your back against a tree, and enjoy nature, with gentle and occasional flicks of your pole. You don't stand up over the water, knees locked, tensely willing the fish to bite. Energetically, I see you tend to take a bit of the latter stance in regard to men. Sometimes we need to set our goals with our intention, and then let go relaxing against the tree in order to catch a big fish. Create more fun and less worry about finding Mr. Right.
Q: My friends tell me I'm an attractive guy but I haven't been able to find a girlfriend for years. What can I do differently?
A: The main misconception I see with men is the belief they should monologue about themselves to try to impress a woman. But it comes across as self-centered to not show interest in learning about her. Instead of trying to be a standup comedian or performer, think of yourself as a reporter whose job is to learn about the woman. Practice on women you're not attracted to romantically, but might find interesting. Men I talked with regard this as "working my way up."
Think about your positive qualities before an encounter with the other sex so you come across as confidant, the trait that my male informants view as most important. Why should she like you if you don't like yourself? The men suggested being aware of your body language, making eye contact, smiling, and leaning forward towards her to show you're interested and at ease. It also takes confidence to take risks like asking a woman you're attracted to for lunch. The worst that can happen is that she could say no. My guys suggested thinking of this as batting a baseball; you probably strike out many times before batting a homerun, but you don't stop playing. Ask yourself, "What's going to change in your life if she turns you down?"
Q: I’m healing from a recent break up and want time for myself, but I’ve never had so much male attention. What’s up?
A: As you’re feeling better about yourself and your independence, without neediness, that serene confidence and being a little hard to get is very appealing. Don’t rush into a relationship without it feeling right and very healthy. Take time to explore different individuals.
Q: The average, nice guy like me who is sincere, having being rejected for being too nice, knows that to a lot of women the "bad boy" is more exciting. One reason men do not open up to women is fear of being thought of as weak, fear of being boring. Fear of rejection is the number #1 reason why men do not open up to women and show their feelings. So why do women say they want sensitive men but prefer bad boys to nice guys?
A: That's the most common complaint I've heard from men in gender workshops I've co-led with a man. We're bombarded with media tough guys: the Marlboro Man, James Bond, Russell Crowe, Eminem. Even baby clothes for boys say things like “Slugger” or “Quarterback.” You can add a multitude of other macho examples of film stars, musicians, and advertising images. In the same way, men are brainwashed into finding airbrushed Playboy Bunnies sexy. Let's hope your comment reminds women readers to be conscious of media programming and to focus on the human qualities of the men in their lives rather than an unhealthy image of masculinity. Ben, a man I interviewed, adds, "My experience is if I am a "bad boy," I get a bad girl. It may be fun in the short run but it's going to be pain eventually. If only 10% of women like you, that's still more than you can deal with." So, be yourself and look for a wise woman with character.
Q: The question about what do women want had been around since Freud, but I'm a single woman interested in finding a guy and want to know what men want.
A: Men want to feel appreciated and successful in pleasing their partners, according to John Grey, therapist and author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. If a woman comments, "I'd love to live in a mansion like that," the man personalizes it and figures since he can't fulfill her dreams, he'd better find another woman. I asked Mike Peavy, a bike store owner, who is as likely to have people come in to his shop for relationship advice as for bikes, what he looks for in a woman. "Play (fun and laughter), compatibility (the small things), communication (deep and often) and passion" are his top priorities, while love is the glue that pulls it all together, he says. A teenager, Jim, told me, “I want to feel like her existence would be much more difficult if it weren't for me, that other guys don’t measure up, that I'm smarter, kinder, and more handsome. I would want to feel that whatever I provided her with was enough, and that despite our need for a separate time from each other, she would relish our time the most.”
A professor, Sam, emailed me:
It boils down to feeling supported. What I need the most was expressed by Nick Cage, the actor, on Jay Leno show, “She supports me,” about his non-actress wife. For me that comment says it all--we want someone to get on our rocket ship and support our dreams, hopes and desires. It might be publishing a poem in the town newspaper, getting a promotion, starting a business, moving to a new place, and so on. I thought Nick Cage could have any woman in the world but the one he fell for was someone "who supports me." I know I want that as well and is a condition for any long-term relationship. I started listening to friends and celebrities and this thread was always part of what they said they want. Beyond that I want to be in love even when you do something hurtful to another person. After the apology, this is what says whether you truly love each other. So if someone can love someone for their flaws, I think that is a winner too.
Q: If you’re not a college student, where do you meet people besides bars?
A: Traditionally, it’s in proximity—co-workers, neighbors, sports activities, and friends’ parties. Now people also use Internet social networking sites—a free one is Plenty of Fishes. Let your friends know what you’re looking for so they can introduce you to single people. Plan to go out and meet new people at least once a week.
Q: I gave myself away in my past relationships, so now I’m afraid of getting involved again with a woman. How can I protect myself?
A: You’re right to take it slow and not jump out of the frying pan into the fire. I would explain the situation to the women you’re dating so they don’t think you’re not interested. If you feel your boundaries violated, let her know how you feel and use your grounding and safe bubble visualizations.
Q: I was so intent on not getting involved with a man, because I didn't want to get hurt or abused, that I manifested an abusive boss at work. I have been so depressed lately; I really isolated myself like I did after I left my husband.
A: Many of us are in a similar position of a pattern repeating itself with various partners. I'll suggest how to clear an ingrained habit like this, but first remind you that major life lessons usually need to be repeated until we really get them. It's like learning a tennis swing; you get it right, you lose it; you practice and get it right again. The question is--are you recognizing the danger signs sooner and reacting more confidently in assertion of your rights and self-respect? If so, give yourself credit for getting stronger.
Life patterns dissolve like peeling onion skins, one after another, as we attract the best actors into our drama, the best teachers into our classroom of daily life. It's a lifelong process so don't expect perfection. Step back and observe the drama with some amusement at the kinds of lessons you attract. Just as steel goes through the fire to burn out impurities, so do we strengthen our weaknesses through challenging interactions. Look at them as opportunities for growth rather than punishment.
We carry invisible signs about what's familiar to us in relationships. People who know how to pair up with your habit are attracted to you and you to them, such as addict and codependent, so the key is to change the signs. Understanding intellectually can help, but it's not enough to move out the irrational habits which block rational thinking. I suggest you use EFT on a daily basis to clear out the habit of abuse and depression.
Flower remedies are another way to change subtle energy patterns, such as the Bach remedies: Sweet Chestnut for emotional pain, Star of Bethlehem for traumatic events, or Gorse for feeling hopeless. Flower remedies have no adverse side effects and can be purchased at natural food stores.
Q I’ve been involved with a series of guys who aren’t faithful.
A: The problem is not men as a group, as there are many loyal and committed men. The issue is your selection process, the way your antenna is tuned to men who fit your pattern, a teaching device, a mirror to your unresolved unconscious issues. Take some time to explore your childhood, your parents’ relationship(s), what level of intimacy you’re comfortable with, and what you believe you deserve. Analyzing your dreams helps understand the motivation for your choices in men. For example, Alexa had a series of dreams for years about an unobtainable hero, always elusive. Her father was emotionally distant, so her unconscious was playing out this dynamic in an effort to heal it. We usually need a therapist or coach to help with our awareness of unconscious patterns. As you change your awareness, the men you’re attracted to will improve. It’s you who must change first and then you’ll attract a loyal partner.
Q: I’m a guy who tends to be an observer rather than an engager. I use humor to make people laugh, but also to keep from close contact. What can I do to open my heart more?
A: I’d write in you journal about painful experiences that conditioned you to be afraid of intimacy, and discuss them with someone you trust. If you release some of the hurt in order to heal the wounds, you’ll be able to risk greater intimacy.
Q: I’m a middle-aged divorced guy who realized I wasn’t in love with my wives. How can I change this pattern? The women I’m dating now aren’t going to be compatible in the long run either.
A: If you didn’t have a model of loving parents, it takes a while to learn how to first, love and accept yourself, and then another person. Being a parent helps us learn unconditional love so I’m sure you’re evolving. If you see patterns in your choice of women, stay away from the familiar. Don’t settle for something just because it’s comfortable. Use this time alone to iron out your own quirks. Create a new pattern or template with a vision board where you write about and paste pictures of a good woman (http://christinekane.com/blog/how-to-make-a-vision-board)
Q: People in my social circle are gossiping about me and my love life, which happens to be non-existent. It bothers me to be the object of their speculation.
A: Be flattered that they find you interesting enough to discuss. If they ask you personal questions, make up an imaginative response, such as “I’m having a secret affair with a celebrity and signed a non-disclosure agreement.” Direct the same question back to the nosey person; “What about you?” Or just say, “Thanks for your interest, I’m going to get some water,” and walk away.
When I asked to see what was going on with you, I saw a picture of a stairway with one of the steps crumbling to make a gaping hole, but you could easily step over it. I would ignore the rumors and just be yourself. Another rumor will gain precedence and the one about you will recede into old news. Any mature person regards you for your personality, not who you are attracted to.
Q: My girlfriend is from a traditional family and wants me to ask her father for permission to marry her. I don’t need his permission and don’t want to ask for it.
A: Ask for her parents’ blessing since we all can benefit from good wishes.
Q: I’ve been with my boyfriend for a decade. We’re at the point where we need to get married or break up, but I don’t know which to do as I love him but I’m not very in love. How can I decide?
A: Ask for guidance from your higher self, before you go to sleep and in meditation or prayer. Definitely go to a counselor to help sort things out as a couple. Think about being a couple five years from now. How does that feel in your gut? On a scale of 1 to 100, how much do you want to stay with him, first thought? Interviews for my books 50/50 Marriage and 50/50 Parenting revealed that happy couples are best friends who enjoy talking with each other and find each other interesting. Is that true for you in this relationship?
Q: I need intellectual stimulation and discussion of deep questions, but my husband doesn’t. He’s more focused on practicality.
A: Find book groups, a progressive religious group, or take a class so you don’t depend on him to meet all your needs. Think about why you were originally attracted to him. Can you find a book to discuss that would be interesting to both of you? Read about the difference between sensing (him) and intuitive (you) people on the Myers Briggs personality inventory (www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/sensing-or-intuition.asp).
Q: Is love a real thing, or is it just chemical, just something to get us through life?
A: Love is deep caring, joy in being around people you love, warm feelings. It’s complicated because we use the one word for such a variety of meanings, like “I love to eat rice,” or “I love my parents or God or my dog or swimming,” or “I’m in love.” Love is about heart warmth and feels good. Love for people usually includes respect and similar values and interests. Our hearts expand and feel bigger. We care so much about the person we love, we may put their needs above our own, as when a parent puts his or her own body in the way of danger to protect a child.
Sometimes we fall in lust, because of a strong sexual chemistry with a person, even if we don’t like him or her. Notice the difference between (1) lasting love—which we can feel for a family member or friend or pet, (2) falling in love/infatuation that includes sexual attraction, and (3) sexual attraction without love. It’s easy to confuse the intensity of the chemistry or of being uncertain and anxious about whether the other person likes you as deep caring, but it’s just sexual chemistry or anxiety. Love lasts over time, while the half-life of romantic love is often 90 days. It takes a while before who the beloved really is visible underneath our fantasies, projections and ideals. That’s why it’s wise to not hurry into becoming physically intimate or getting married.
What makes us fall in love? Scientists discovered we’re attracted to individuals who are like our parents and ourselves, but whose pheromones (smells) are least like our own. Different immune systems ensure healthy offspring. Oxytocin is the hormone of monogamy leading to bonding between mother and baby and lifelong monogamous pair bonding, as in male and female prairie voles.
When we fall in love, therapist and author John Bradshaw explains we repeat the stages of child development. In the baby stage--cupid is portrayed as a baby, we baby talk, and lovers gaze at each other like a baby at its mother. In the toddler stages, lovers engage in power struggles, express anger, and ask for what they want. It is partly hormonal and chemical. Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, explains we have three different brain systems for mating and reproduction: the sex drive, romantic love with elation and obsessive thinking, and then attachment with calm and security.
Kissing exchanges testosterone in both sexes to help trigger the sex drive. If it’s exciting and new, it’s likely to stimulate dopamine associated with romantic love. In long-term partners, it stimulates oxytocin that leads to attachment. Kissing drops cortisol stress levels. More than 90% of human societies kiss. (About two-thirds of humans tilt their heads to the right when kissing.) Chimps kiss and makeup after a fight.
Combining love and marriage is a new idea, as historically marriage was arranged by parents for the good of the family, not the couple. The majority of marriages in the world are arranged, as in India. When I was there, I talked with two brothers who conducting a search for a husband for their sister, a US educated doctor. They developed a point system to rate the candidates who came for interviews, such as points for a nice smile, or minus points for new shoes—looking too eager. Their sister had the last say on the finalists, of course. The divorce rate is very low because social pressure is against it and expects couples to stay together for a lifetime. It doesn’t mean the marriages match Western ideas of romantic love.
Q: Why do people fall out of love? Or why do people let themselves fall out of love? Why do I feel like that sometimes? Is it me or the bigger picture?
A: We start with infatuation and adrenalin-like excitement. Then endorphins kick in for a comfortable bonding. Relationships go through stages, ebbs and flows. Couples talk about the working at their relationship. The work of being in a committed relationship means hanging in through the difficult times, like illness or having a baby. The work also means regularly scheduling in time for communication and fun. We can get bored if we don’t put energy into creating shared adventures, newness, and pleasure. Supposedly, Mrs. Coolidge pointed out to Calvin how often their rooster had sex with the hens. He replied that it had to do with the variety of hens, not just one. We can create that variety with the same person if we’re creative.
Therapist/author Virginia Satir identified various ways people tend to protect themselves in communication with others. Are you a blamer (it’s the other person’s fault), placater (it’s my fault), computer (shuts down feelings), or distracter (changes the subject away from a difficult topic)? As you explore, it’s fun to share this exploration of communication styles with intimates. Include understanding differences in men’s and women’s communication styles (see Deborah Tannen’s books). My Everything You Need to Know to Succeed After College provides additional communication skills and analysis of love.
Pairing Up
Q: I keep getting my heart broken by lovers. How can I find a lasting relationship?
A: I would look at relationships as an opportunity to learn about men and about your self in relation to them, keeping in mind what Jung said about relationships and dreams being the best window into the shadow subpersonality and other parts of the unconscious.
If you don't expect Mr. Right, but rather decide to have fun and learn, then your heart won't get broken at the end of a fling. You'll think, well I graduated from this grade and now I'm going to go on to the next grade. It's sad to leave elementary/middle/high school/college but necessary to close one door to open the next one. Changing expectations goes a long way.
I would also analyze patterns in your lovers as holding up a mirror for unresolved issues in yourself. My experience is looking back on past heartbreaks, is I'm glad I'm not still with them, although I learned a lot from each one, including fun activities like backpacking and beekeeping. I also enjoyed getting to know my boyfriends’ families. Focus on enjoying life and developing your talents, not on a fantasy of Mr. Right.
Q: When I meet someone attractive, I get self-conscious and don't know what to say. How can I be more confidant?
A: Imagine you're a reporter interviewing her for a story, finding out what she likes and values, enjoys doing for fun, thinks about current issues, her background, etc. Focus on what she is saying rather than how you're performing. Let her know what you appreciate about her. Smile and make eye contact and enjoy getting to know a new friend. Don’t let shyness make you appear haughty and uninterested. Confidence is sexy, so think about your strong points. Men need to be especially careful to ask questions and not just talk about their accomplishments to try to impress women. Don’t focus on analyzing yourself and how you’re doing, but on getting to know the other person.
Q: How can I finally meet someone right for me?
A: Attracting the right relationship is an exciting way to demonstrate the power of energy work. Take care of unfinished business of all kinds, so you’re unfettered. Clean out your home, giving things you haven’t used for a year to a charitable organization. Try Feng Shui principles. Get a bagua chart and see where the relationship area is in your home and also work on your bedroom. Include the colors of love (pink and red), growing plants, and coupled items rather than single ones. Make sure you can see the door from your bed. Two bamboo flutes hung over the bed provide a symbol of peace. Sharp corners should be softened with plants or fringe. Chi can be kept moving with wind chimes, bells, plants, fountains, and mobiles. The northeast is the relationship section of a garden; pink and red flowers enhance it, and fragrant ones such as gardenias stimulate chi.
Look at the influence of the people who raised you, usually your parents. We imprint on our parents like baby ducks follow their mother. Make a family tree of the patterns in your family’s history, since we repeat the familiar. Usually two people’s patterns fit like a puzzle; for example, one expresses anger for the partner who is afraid of it. When the wounds start to surface after the haze of infatuation and sexual attraction wear off, we feel betrayed and want to leave, instead of recognizing the opportunity to work together to heal the wounds. For more explanation and exercises to understand your patterns, see Harville Hendrix’ How to Get the Love You Want.
When two people are involved, patience is required for the connection. Author Arielle Ford met her husband on a business trip when she was 44. They discovered he had stayed in her neighborhood years before but realized at that time they wouldn’t have recognized each other as soul mates. She wrote about her story and those of other couples meeting. In the forward of her book, Deepak Chopra, MD defines soul mates as people who vibrate at the same frequency and are evolving at the same rate.
Q: How will I know when I meet the right person to marry?
A: Since it's inevitable that two imperfect people will have conflicts, it's important that you and your partner be able to work through problems in a positive way so that you feel closer after negotiating a conflict. We're like pebbles in a bag that polish one another. The half-life of romantic love
is around 90 days, but wait at least a year to discuss marriage so you know that attraction is based on respect rather than a superficial attraction and projection of unconscious patterns. Dr. Harry Lodge (Columbia University Medical Center) observes that people with good marriages cuddle a lot, are affectionate, and "There's a luminescence to them--a deep, calm, subtle glow."
Be wary of instant attraction, as this can be a familiar pattern lighting up with the stranger a movie screen for your unconscious projections, or the person could be skilled at flashing sexual energy and hooking people like going sport fishing. The bottom line is you and your partner should be best friends, enjoy talking to each other, and share similar values and goals.
Q: I doubt my attractiveness to the opposite sex because I’ve been dumped in some of my past relationships. How can I change this?
A: Most of us have experienced being dumped or being the dumper. I suspect that you get clingy; even if you don’t say anything, they can feel smothered. Also, sometimes it’s a complement to you; they know you’re special but aren’t ready to get too serious. When your inner critic starts picking you apart, pretend to have a dialogue with that voice. Ask, what help are you trying to give me? Are you trying to keep me from doing the wrong thing? Explain that being self-conscious and critically observing yourself get in the way of being your attractive self. Make up a cheerleader personality to balance the critic.
Q: I’m a college student, but I haven’t had a real boyfriend yet. What’s up?
A: It looks like you’re expecting Prince Charming. He’s not coming. You’re not perfect so you can’t expect a guy to match all the items on your list. We need to go to “boy/girl school,” where we learn about relationships; loving someone brings up our unconscious fear and jealousy to brought into the light of consciousness. Think of yourself as a psychologist studying the other gender and enjoying the discovery process, rather than judging is this Mr. Right, or how you’re performing.
Q: I like a girl but I’m scared to ask her out. How can I get my courage up?
A: Suggest an activity that doesn’t have dating connotations, that’s not on a Friday or Saturday evening. Try lunch, a hike, a stroll through an art gallery or other interest you share, as you would do with a guy friend.
Q: I’d like to date a guy at work but he hasn’t asked me out. Anything I can do?
A: The workplace is replacing the neighborhood and extended family as the place where we spend the most time, so many romances begin at work. I wouldn't date someone in the same office, though, because of the awkwardness after a possible separation. It's not ethical to date someone in a supervisory relationship, but it sounds like the man you're interested in doesn't fit in either of the no-nos.
Next, how does he feel about you and how do you subtly let him know you're interested in him? Do you feel comfortable suggesting lunch to ask his advice about a work topic? It feels like he's a mental person, cautious, who doesn't leap into action. Give him time and let the process unfold gradually.
Imagine going fishing. You get your pole and bait ready, and then you relax with your back against a tree, and enjoy nature, with gentle and occasional flicks of your pole. You don't stand up over the water, knees locked, tensely willing the fish to bite. Energetically, I see you tend to take a bit of the latter stance in regard to men. Sometimes we need to set our goals with our intention, and then let go relaxing against the tree in order to catch a big fish. Create more fun and less worry about finding Mr. Right.
Q: My friends tell me I'm an attractive guy but I haven't been able to find a girlfriend for years. What can I do differently?
A: The main misconception I see with men is the belief they should monologue about themselves to try to impress a woman. But it comes across as self-centered to not show interest in learning about her. Instead of trying to be a standup comedian or performer, think of yourself as a reporter whose job is to learn about the woman. Practice on women you're not attracted to romantically, but might find interesting. Men I talked with regard this as "working my way up."
Think about your positive qualities before an encounter with the other sex so you come across as confidant, the trait that my male informants view as most important. Why should she like you if you don't like yourself? The men suggested being aware of your body language, making eye contact, smiling, and leaning forward towards her to show you're interested and at ease. It also takes confidence to take risks like asking a woman you're attracted to for lunch. The worst that can happen is that she could say no. My guys suggested thinking of this as batting a baseball; you probably strike out many times before batting a homerun, but you don't stop playing. Ask yourself, "What's going to change in your life if she turns you down?"
Q: I’m healing from a recent break up and want time for myself, but I’ve never had so much male attention. What’s up?
A: As you’re feeling better about yourself and your independence, without neediness, that serene confidence and being a little hard to get is very appealing. Don’t rush into a relationship without it feeling right and very healthy. Take time to explore different individuals.
Q: The average, nice guy like me who is sincere, having being rejected for being too nice, knows that to a lot of women the "bad boy" is more exciting. One reason men do not open up to women is fear of being thought of as weak, fear of being boring. Fear of rejection is the number #1 reason why men do not open up to women and show their feelings. So why do women say they want sensitive men but prefer bad boys to nice guys?
A: That's the most common complaint I've heard from men in gender workshops I've co-led with a man. We're bombarded with media tough guys: the Marlboro Man, James Bond, Russell Crowe, Eminem. Even baby clothes for boys say things like “Slugger” or “Quarterback.” You can add a multitude of other macho examples of film stars, musicians, and advertising images. In the same way, men are brainwashed into finding airbrushed Playboy Bunnies sexy. Let's hope your comment reminds women readers to be conscious of media programming and to focus on the human qualities of the men in their lives rather than an unhealthy image of masculinity. Ben, a man I interviewed, adds, "My experience is if I am a "bad boy," I get a bad girl. It may be fun in the short run but it's going to be pain eventually. If only 10% of women like you, that's still more than you can deal with." So, be yourself and look for a wise woman with character.
Q: The question about what do women want had been around since Freud, but I'm a single woman interested in finding a guy and want to know what men want.
A: Men want to feel appreciated and successful in pleasing their partners, according to John Grey, therapist and author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. If a woman comments, "I'd love to live in a mansion like that," the man personalizes it and figures since he can't fulfill her dreams, he'd better find another woman. I asked Mike Peavy, a bike store owner, who is as likely to have people come in to his shop for relationship advice as for bikes, what he looks for in a woman. "Play (fun and laughter), compatibility (the small things), communication (deep and often) and passion" are his top priorities, while love is the glue that pulls it all together, he says. A teenager, Jim, told me, “I want to feel like her existence would be much more difficult if it weren't for me, that other guys don’t measure up, that I'm smarter, kinder, and more handsome. I would want to feel that whatever I provided her with was enough, and that despite our need for a separate time from each other, she would relish our time the most.”
A professor, Sam, emailed me:
It boils down to feeling supported. What I need the most was expressed by Nick Cage, the actor, on Jay Leno show, “She supports me,” about his non-actress wife. For me that comment says it all--we want someone to get on our rocket ship and support our dreams, hopes and desires. It might be publishing a poem in the town newspaper, getting a promotion, starting a business, moving to a new place, and so on. I thought Nick Cage could have any woman in the world but the one he fell for was someone "who supports me." I know I want that as well and is a condition for any long-term relationship. I started listening to friends and celebrities and this thread was always part of what they said they want. Beyond that I want to be in love even when you do something hurtful to another person. After the apology, this is what says whether you truly love each other. So if someone can love someone for their flaws, I think that is a winner too.
Q: If you’re not a college student, where do you meet people besides bars?
A: Traditionally, it’s in proximity—co-workers, neighbors, sports activities, and friends’ parties. Now people also use Internet social networking sites—a free one is Plenty of Fishes. Let your friends know what you’re looking for so they can introduce you to single people. Plan to go out and meet new people at least once a week.
Q: I gave myself away in my past relationships, so now I’m afraid of getting involved again with a woman. How can I protect myself?
A: You’re right to take it slow and not jump out of the frying pan into the fire. I would explain the situation to the women you’re dating so they don’t think you’re not interested. If you feel your boundaries violated, let her know how you feel and use your grounding and safe bubble visualizations.
Q: I was so intent on not getting involved with a man, because I didn't want to get hurt or abused, that I manifested an abusive boss at work. I have been so depressed lately; I really isolated myself like I did after I left my husband.
A: Many of us are in a similar position of a pattern repeating itself with various partners. I'll suggest how to clear an ingrained habit like this, but first remind you that major life lessons usually need to be repeated until we really get them. It's like learning a tennis swing; you get it right, you lose it; you practice and get it right again. The question is--are you recognizing the danger signs sooner and reacting more confidently in assertion of your rights and self-respect? If so, give yourself credit for getting stronger.
Life patterns dissolve like peeling onion skins, one after another, as we attract the best actors into our drama, the best teachers into our classroom of daily life. It's a lifelong process so don't expect perfection. Step back and observe the drama with some amusement at the kinds of lessons you attract. Just as steel goes through the fire to burn out impurities, so do we strengthen our weaknesses through challenging interactions. Look at them as opportunities for growth rather than punishment.
We carry invisible signs about what's familiar to us in relationships. People who know how to pair up with your habit are attracted to you and you to them, such as addict and codependent, so the key is to change the signs. Understanding intellectually can help, but it's not enough to move out the irrational habits which block rational thinking. I suggest you use EFT on a daily basis to clear out the habit of abuse and depression.
Flower remedies are another way to change subtle energy patterns, such as the Bach remedies: Sweet Chestnut for emotional pain, Star of Bethlehem for traumatic events, or Gorse for feeling hopeless. Flower remedies have no adverse side effects and can be purchased at natural food stores.
Q I’ve been involved with a series of guys who aren’t faithful.
A: The problem is not men as a group, as there are many loyal and committed men. The issue is your selection process, the way your antenna is tuned to men who fit your pattern, a teaching device, a mirror to your unresolved unconscious issues. Take some time to explore your childhood, your parents’ relationship(s), what level of intimacy you’re comfortable with, and what you believe you deserve. Analyzing your dreams helps understand the motivation for your choices in men. For example, Alexa had a series of dreams for years about an unobtainable hero, always elusive. Her father was emotionally distant, so her unconscious was playing out this dynamic in an effort to heal it. We usually need a therapist or coach to help with our awareness of unconscious patterns. As you change your awareness, the men you’re attracted to will improve. It’s you who must change first and then you’ll attract a loyal partner.
Q: I’m a guy who tends to be an observer rather than an engager. I use humor to make people laugh, but also to keep from close contact. What can I do to open my heart more?
A: I’d write in you journal about painful experiences that conditioned you to be afraid of intimacy, and discuss them with someone you trust. If you release some of the hurt in order to heal the wounds, you’ll be able to risk greater intimacy.
Q: I’m a middle-aged divorced guy who realized I wasn’t in love with my wives. How can I change this pattern? The women I’m dating now aren’t going to be compatible in the long run either.
A: If you didn’t have a model of loving parents, it takes a while to learn how to first, love and accept yourself, and then another person. Being a parent helps us learn unconditional love so I’m sure you’re evolving. If you see patterns in your choice of women, stay away from the familiar. Don’t settle for something just because it’s comfortable. Use this time alone to iron out your own quirks. Create a new pattern or template with a vision board where you write about and paste pictures of a good woman (http://christinekane.com/blog/how-to-make-a-vision-board)
Q: People in my social circle are gossiping about me and my love life, which happens to be non-existent. It bothers me to be the object of their speculation.
A: Be flattered that they find you interesting enough to discuss. If they ask you personal questions, make up an imaginative response, such as “I’m having a secret affair with a celebrity and signed a non-disclosure agreement.” Direct the same question back to the nosey person; “What about you?” Or just say, “Thanks for your interest, I’m going to get some water,” and walk away.
When I asked to see what was going on with you, I saw a picture of a stairway with one of the steps crumbling to make a gaping hole, but you could easily step over it. I would ignore the rumors and just be yourself. Another rumor will gain precedence and the one about you will recede into old news. Any mature person regards you for your personality, not who you are attracted to.
Q: My girlfriend is from a traditional family and wants me to ask her father for permission to marry her. I don’t need his permission and don’t want to ask for it.
A: Ask for her parents’ blessing since we all can benefit from good wishes.
Q: I’ve been with my boyfriend for a decade. We’re at the point where we need to get married or break up, but I don’t know which to do as I love him but I’m not very in love. How can I decide?
A: Ask for guidance from your higher self, before you go to sleep and in meditation or prayer. Definitely go to a counselor to help sort things out as a couple. Think about being a couple five years from now. How does that feel in your gut? On a scale of 1 to 100, how much do you want to stay with him, first thought? Interviews for my books 50/50 Marriage and 50/50 Parenting revealed that happy couples are best friends who enjoy talking with each other and find each other interesting. Is that true for you in this relationship?
Q: I need intellectual stimulation and discussion of deep questions, but my husband doesn’t. He’s more focused on practicality.
A: Find book groups, a progressive religious group, or take a class so you don’t depend on him to meet all your needs. Think about why you were originally attracted to him. Can you find a book to discuss that would be interesting to both of you? Read about the difference between sensing (him) and intuitive (you) people on the Myers Briggs personality inventory (www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/sensing-or-intuition.asp).